i always hear that saying about new moms "coming out of the newborn
fog." i never felt too bad adjusting to my newborns. i mean yeah sure birth
is exhausting but breastfeeding and being up all night and changing
diapers feels natural to me and everything newborn is just intoxicating and wonderful and gives me a sort of newborn high. but there is this other fog that i always feel myself trying to pull
out of and it is related to my littlest: asher.
.
asher who is full, full,
full of energy and passion and love. who was the happiest little birdy
of a newborn who just smiled away in his little rocking bed while i homeschooled roman or sucked
cheerfully on my arm in the sling. and then as he became more baby and less newborn, he
became more and more work. fussy fussy fussy for many hours. and yet
also a happy, jolly, chubby elf of a boy with the roundest face and
goofiest little smile i ever saw. and now, he is that same happy happy
baby - tearing off after birds in the yard, reciting his family's names
all in a row ( mama, dada, mono - yaaaay!) and hopping in the stroller full
of excitement for a chance to sit back while we walk and point out all
the things he knows and loves in the world. This boy is so, so full of
passion. he loves with this passion as well and gives us the deepest most sincere hugs complete with gentle pats on the back and cooing. he sings and kisses and loves with reckless abandon.
.
and he is also wild as can be. i cannot even describe the
amount of energy he pulls from me in the day to day. he is a tiny
destroyer, a fighter and a wild animal all wrapped into one. it has been
such a learning process and a huge life lesson to me. roman was so
calm. i'm not saying that I've never had struggles or issues with roman,
but it was on a much calmer scale. roman painted this picture of my
expectation of motherhood for me - taking my boys to target while they
sat happily in the cart looking at a toy together while i shopped, going
to panera and sipping my caramel coffee across from two polite brothers calmly
eating their macaroni and cheese. relaxing outside on a blanket while the
boys meandered the yard while staying within view. this was the way i
mothered roman and i expected it to repeat with asher.
.
one thing that i'm learning is that motherhood isn't about me. it isn't
something that is always easy or always what we expect. it is about
sacrifice and self giving and it is about growth and lessons and love. i am so blessed to have ash. he is so totally unique and sometimes i wonder
if there is anyone on earth quite like him. of course there isn't. every baby is new and wonderful and uniquely themselves. it is so fun to see these
two beautiful souls that God gave me. i still have so much to learn. i
still have so much of myself that needs to be shaken and rocked and
adjusted. i still need so much more God and so much less me in my heart and mind. one
challenge for me right now is mustering up the constant energy to handle asher's wild wild and crazy side.
.
but sometimes, moments happens like
tonight - when we went to kroger, and the boys pushed the little kids
cart together and helped pick out and load up tea and fruit and snacks, and roman stacked things
up on the self checkout for me while i scanned, balancing ash on my hip, and we all
pushed the cart to the car together, and it's moments like that that i feel the fog lifting, if only for a moment. :)
...
happy friday everyone!
spring things:
