enough.

i wish i could be your perfect mommy. i wish i could let you climb the washer and run with a spoon in your mouth. i wish i didn't mind when you kick my neck to wake me up in the mornings. i wish you could color on the walls and i wish i could tip you upside down over and over and over for hours on end and treasure your joyful toothy giggle.

i wish i could be perfect for you. i wish that when you cry and whine at my feet and pull on my legs as i'm doing dishes, i wish that instead of feeling frustrated, i would always stop first and come down to you. because all you wanted anyway was to hug me slowly and softly in the afternoon light.

i wish i could be perfect, better, more. but all i am is me, YOUR mama.

and i hope that is enough.

my baby leggings post on spearmint baby this week :)

happy friday.

(november 2012)

i love this photo where roman popped in front of my lens while i was trying to take pictures of asher.

goodness they grow too fast! their nice haircuts here may be part of it!

today is lazy and whiny so far.

asher has thrown a can of pop which exploded on the floor,

taken his diaper off and peed on the floor,

and then decided to eat his lunch off the floor.

my poor carpets - please don't tell the landlord...

happy friday!!

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snow.

i think i may be officially ready for warm weather. so that i can actually WANT to leave my house. and so that these boys can run around in the sunshine everyday... but i was happy when it snowed yesterday and i got a chance to spend a few minutes outside with asher, capturing him as he enjoyed the magic of snow.

happily dancing in the quiet snowflakes. 

with his two different too-small shoes that he picked out all by himself.

 chasing his birdy friends. 

just being wonderfully one.

nineteen months.

nineteen months.

oh my.

facing the reality that nineteen months has passed since asher's birth is simply unreal. just a moment ago i was folding tiny newborn gowns + reading spiritual midwifery in the sunshine on the back porch, preparing for a new little life. and now, over a year and a half later - our asher is almost a little boy. pushing his chair up to the sink so that he can grab my yesterday's coffee that sits inside. taking liberties to take his own diaper off when it's time for a change, singing the "mama" song that he composed himself, counting to three in his own little way. closer to two than one.

when the days were slower and asher was itty bitty, i often used to talk to him at night as he nursed to sleep about when he came into my life. i'd pet and kiss his sweet little head and apologize for not being there during that first week when he stayed in the nicu.  one of his doctor's told me during that week, that soon asher would be home and healthy and the time in the nicu would seem distant and brief. in a way that is not true to me. it’s true that one week is a short amount of time, but that was OUR first week. there is something so wrong about a mother and baby being separated at birth. even though i was able to spend much time with him, provide all of his milk for him, and was lucky that his stay was so short - there are still moments that we were robbed from. sometimes now at bedtime, i still go back to the beginning. i tell asher how much he means to me. nineteen months later i am still thankful that God answered my prayers and healed asher. that first week was hard, but for every first moment that was lost, i've now had nineteen months of asher in my arms each and every night to make up for it. and for that i will always be grateful.

Asher at eighteen months.